sometimes

have you ever been to the point where you don't know how to go forward, you don't know where your life is supposed to go. that's where I am. Everything just seems to go the opposite to what it should. I know you might think I'm exaggerating and that I'm just complaining, but really I feel like no matter how hard I try everything just keeps falling apart. For instance, this past spring I moved home to reconnect with my parents because a big distance had formed between us since I graduated high school and moved away for college. I moved home and within a month my dad died, he was one of the most important people in my life, and he died. This past 7 months has been so hard, I have been used, abused, and manipulated by the people I thought cared about me. I have fallen into this spot where I don't find joy in anything anymore, even the simple things that made me smile even in the worst of moods. I have become a completely negative person, and well it 'help when bad things keep happening to me. Like what did I do to deserve this. Okay so I know some of the people are going to comment in my inbox telling me remember Job and all the things he faced, and in the end it turned out the way it was supposed to, or that I should remember Jeremiah 29:11. but I honestly am having such a hard time looking to God right now. I know he's there and that he cares but I have a hard time accepting that m facing all these trials, it feels like i'm being attacked and its too overwhelming. The most recent things that are making me slowly go crazy are:

1. my computer got ruined because someone who wasn't even supposed to be in my bed knocked it onto the cement floor. and the worst thing is they denied it, but I know it was them because I left it on my bed and I went away for a night came home and it was on the cement floor upside down behind my bed, and they admitted to sleeping in my bed. I might sound materialistic, but I have very few things that are mine, and when you work hard for something, and like me bought it myself its a little frustrating when someone ruins it on you and you can't even get ir replaced cause you don't have the finances to and the person wont step up and take responsibility for what they did and replace it.

2. my old cell phone wasn't working right so I wanted to upgrade to a new one, I went and got the new one and had to buy out my contract for $700. Someone asked me if they could buy my old phone because they didnt really care about the fact it wasn't working cause they just needed it for texting and calling anyway. They were going to give me $200 so that I could pay  a little off of my bill, then when they came to pick it up I told them it was on my computer desk and they claimed they couldn't find it, when I went to look for it it was gone, someone stole it. So I lost out once again.

3. my dad died. simple as that.

4. my boyfriend decided that he doesn't have "feelings" for me and that he wants to take some time apart and that will maybe help him regain his feelings for me. It kind of makes me feel pretty damn crappy cause well he was my first time (I wish I would of saved it for marriage, big mistake on my part). He once wrote me this letter:

To the most beautiful woman inside and out you make me feel a way no other can make me feel. There's just no one I would rather be with on this earth you make me smile :) you make my heart beat <3 so fast, seeing you sometimes brings tears :') to my eyes the happiest tears I will ever have. Im always glad to wake up to your smiling face and to kiss your soft lips. When I first met you I never had a feeling of knowing such a kind beautiful soul a sense I have never had before. All I knew was I had to have you. Today I am so glad to have you and I just know what we have will last, there might be bumps along the way but as long as we stick together we can get through anything. Your a very special girl and I want to remind you of that everyday as I write, all I can think of is seeing you and your amazing eyes that light up my day the smile that makes me feel warm inside. I cant wait to hold you feel you, love you. Tonight I want to show you (Tiffany) that I love you with all my heart.


I sent this to him today as a reminder of our commitment to each other and that we should both be fighting for what we have. Also I don't think relationships are solely based on feelings.  There is a lot more to them (I had to be reminded of this recently by some people, one of them being Stephanie which if she's reading this I thank her.). I thought this was a good thing but right now it doesn't feel like it.

Okay so I really truly love this guy and I think there is a future for us but with all of this I just don't know what to do, because my family and friends dislike him and very corner I turn people are telling me things like "I think he cheated on you", "he played you", "he never loved you", and "I just want to hit him" oh wait the worst one I've heard "its okay it will work out he'll be back, he loves you.". I'm tired of the negative, I know it is hard to be positive about a situation like this but ya could be a little more supportive people like come on.

5. I am noticing a trend in the relationships I have with people, so many people are your friend when its convenient for them or when the want or need something. but when you truly need them their nowhere to be found. Come on I thought friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what.

6. My health isn't the best. I have finally admitted this to myself. I need to figure out what's wrong and find a solution or I could become very ill, and whatever it is doing to my body could become irreversible if it hasn't already.

7. My mom had moved on. yep 7 Months. it seems so fast. and well she has become literally obsessed with doing whatever she can for this guy and she's began to forget the things she should be caring about.

8. People have come back into my life and sometimes I am so scared that they are going to walk away once again because the way I have become to see it is that "people always leave" - Peyton (One Tree Hill)

9. Sleepless nights. I have had more sleepless nights in the last seven months than I can count. and well I think the stress of not sleeping is getting to me big time.

10. I walked away from something that could of potentially been a really good thing and I am really starting to regret it.


well since I need to here I will sign off now. but I can say expect more because I have lots more to rant about and get off my chest. bye for now.

-tiff

What happens next?

So yesterday on of the most heartbreaking things happened to me. Someone who I thought I had a future with told me he didn't know if he "liked" me anymore. It's been 3 and a half months since we started dating. And now it's like all of that was a waste. 

All if this is making me crazy, sitting here waiting for him to tell me whether he wants this relationship to end or not is slowly killing me, im hurting and the things is every moment I wait my heart breaks skittle more. He says he needs time time to think this all through, but me I'm scared I'm scared this is goodbye. I love this person so so much. And when  he said those words to me yesterday I felt like a whole part of me shattered into a million little pieces. In the last 7 months I have faced a lot of pain, and heartbreak and this I thought we were a good thing the shining star in a whole lot of dark. I feel like I invested so much into this and that if he decides he wants to walk away that all of this was a waste. 

I hope it wasn't a waste because I am truly and deeply in love with this guy. He has become such an important part of my life. He has taught me things no one else could have. He taught me that broken hearts can be mended and that love is so important. 

He told me that I am a sweet girl. But is that enough.

Kids and their preciousness

This morning I get to spend time with my cousin little girl Emma. She's the sweetest. She loves the show Bubble Guppies. She is content watching them. She like to tell me random stuff like "I need to fart", or she asks random things like "did you wash your hands?". She is a little light to a tired me. And even though I am tired I am really enjoying spending time with her. 

Danny Lee

About 21 years ago I met this man, a wonderful man, a man who loved me the moment he set his eyes on me. This man was not just any man, he was a man I would love with all my heart, this man was my father. 

This man would be the man who wiped away my tears, take away my fears, and provide me with all I needed to be me. This man would give up things just to see me happy. This man would do just about anything for me. This man would never let me starve or go without a home. This man taught me things no other man could. This man would take me fishing and teach me how to drive. This man would be the man my future husband would get permission to make me his bride. This man would be called grandpa by my children. This man would walk me down the isle one day. This man would always bring a smile to my face. This man had a kind and loving heart. He loved those around him in ways I can't even express. This man died too soon. This man broke my heart. But no matter what I will live this man forever and ever until we meet again.

In a matter of minutes

On May 16th 2013 one of the worst things to ever possibly happen to me happened. My dad died, you may think it's something that happens to everyone but to me it was one of the things I dreaded most. My dad was more than a dad to me, he was a friend, hero, provider, protector, counsellor, guide and he was the one with the answers. There's days where I miss my dad a lot then there's days I don't even think about him. But that's not what this post is about, it's about the aftermath of his death. 

In a matter of minutes I was thrown more responsibilities than most 20-21year olds have. Bills, debt, financial responsibilities, making sure the mortgage gets paid, cleaning my moms house, being available for my mom 24/7 365 days a year, landlord, boss, leader, and so many other things.

Stress level is high, but everyday I keep going some days it gets too much, so much it makes me sick. People think Tiffany has it together, Tiffany can handle it, Tiffany doesn't have any dreams left, Tiffany can do it all, Tiffany lives to please us, Tiffany wants to live at home, Tiffany is perfect, Tiffany doesn't do anything wrong, Tiffany is the perfect Christian. 

Want to know something everything I just said there is a lie. I don't have it together, I can't handle it, I have dreams, I can't do it all, I can't please everyone but I try, I hate living at home and it's the last place I want to be, I'm not even close to perfect, I do things wrong every day, perfect Christian far from it, the way I've been living you wouldn't even know I was a Christian.

I'm admitting this because I'm to the point I don't care. I just want it to be over. I'm tired of people thinking in someone I'm not. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of bring responsible. 

I don't care who reads this or what they think of me. I'm gonna say some things that will make people judge me, but go for it. I'm done caring what these people think. 

#1. I had sex with my boyfriend and I don't regret it one bit.

#2. I haven't read my Bible in about 3 months.

#3. I'm angry.

#4. Praying has become so scarce in my life.

#5. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. 

#6. I don't want to go back to school.

#7. I have lost all desire to be a friend.

#8. I feel sick constantly.

#9. I hate eating.

#10. I get drunk and it makes me feel better.

#11. I cry and hide the pain I live through every day.

#12. Some days all I want to do is give up.

#13. I owe some people so much money I don't know how I'll ever repay it.

#14. I need an job but I don't know if I can even handle going to work and being in contact with people each day.

#15. I don't feel like doing anything anymore.

#16. The list goes on.

Guess I just had to get this off my chest.

A little rant

So yesterday was thanksgiving here in Canada!! One of my favourite holidays ever! Lots of yummy food and pie! 

So each year my family gets together at my parents house (now just my mothers) for a yummy turkey dinner. This year Jim one of our borders asked if he could make the turkey, I gladly handed to task over to him because it's the hardest of all the food, Melissa my sister in law helped me with all the vegetables, and I made the pie. 

Before people could come over I had to clean my kitchen, living room and dining room because it was a mess. It took me a few hours to get everything cleaned. Then I went right on to start cooking all the food. In all I spent 7 hours cleaning, prepping, preparing and serving. Then as I sat down to eat I was still working because the pies had to be baked and finished in order for us to have dessert. Everyone came down to eat the food, then as soon as it was time to get to work cleaning up everyone disappeared except for me and Melissa. So two hours after we ate dinner were still not done the cleaning. Then after we finished the majority if the dishes and put all the food away we decided we were finished our part of the task. 

This morning I woke up and figured hey I'll have some leftover then get some stuff I have to do done. Well that ceased to happen because as soon as I got up I realized no one had touched the clean dishes let alone start washing the other ones. So again today I've spent two hours cleaning my house, which isn't even close to being done.

I guess the frustrating thing is that I live 5 adults older than 30. And I only ever get help from one of them. I'm starting to get overwhelmed with stress because I'm doing way more than I should be all on too if looking for a job, spending time with friends and my boyfriend and sleeping which has become so little that it's making me sick and even more stressed.

the big 21

So tomorrow is my 21st birthday. It feels like Ive had a lot of birthdays over the years, so its not like its super exciting or anything. But it is a little awesome cause its a pretty big birthday to be celebrating. But in reality tomorrow will be a little bittersweet, someone very special wont be here to celebrate with me. My dad died from a massive heart attack in May. Since I left for college he usually calls me and says happy birthday, and that has always been enough. This year  I will miss that call greatly, I will also miss him smashing cake into my face. A family tradition, which one day will be done to each of my kids for as long as they celebrate their birthdays with me.

On a happier note I am pretty lucky this year I get to spend my birthday with some pretty special people, in the morning I am helping out with a fundraising yard sale at 666 Gibralter Street in Delhi, Ontario. Which at I will get to spend time with 4 of my nieces. If your in the area you should Check it out!, all the proceeds are going to pay for a Cranial Reshaping helmet for my 7 month old niece. Come out and support a great cause, there will be a variety of stuff for sale and some yummy cupcakes for 25 cents. And if you don't live in the area and are willing to donate even just a dollar to the cause, donations can be made at BMO bank, the account information is Transit # 23182 Institute # 001 Account #8991054, if you want more information check out this facebook page https://www.facebook.com/groups/199061500271207/ . At dinner my grandpa is taking me and my aunt out for dinner for our birthday! Then in the evening I am going to spend some time with my friends and boyfriend.

Well happy Birthday to all the others who share the 5th of October as a birthday.

:)

21

In exactly one week I turn 21. And I guess the reality just hit me. It's going to be the most bittersweet birthday I have ever had. The most amazing man I have ever had in my life won't be here to celebrate with me. My dad woulda been the first to stuff a slice if cake in my face and try to give me 21 spankings. Celebrating my birthday just won't be the same without him. 

The Bible. Which translation/version do you read?

Have you ever felt that you are being attacked by someone, and that its not physical or emotional, but that its Spiritually. Okay, I have one question that may start the biggest debate between Christians everywhere, but its something that has been on my heart for a few days and its getting really hard to just brush the subject off. What version of the Bible do you read? okay so since I was in highschool, which is when I was first consciously introduced to Christ, I received a Bible from my mother, who I might add is not a Christian, she bought me a chicken soup for the soul Bible, which happened to be the NLT. This is the version I read for a few years before I accepted Christ, this is the version I read when I accepted Christ, and this is the version I read to this day. So is this version wrong? is it a lie? does it deceive us? does it change the truth some how?

The way I see it is that I understand it, and God speaks to me through the words written there. I actually want to know what people think. Because this is actually causing me to stumble, because one person who is close to me keeps telling me that I am wrong for reading it.

New things!

Hi its me, I don't know if anyone actually reads this but if yo do, I'm sorry I haven't been writing. I have kind of been busy. In the last few months my life has changed so much and its taking some getting used to. So I guess I should clue you guys in on whats new with me.

#1. I have a new best friend! Her name is Cassy and were polar opposites but when it comes down to it we just click. We've had some pretty interesting adventures over the past few weeks. Like finding a place to swim in a creek by my house, which by the way is awesome, better than driving to the local beach with hundreds of people. A few times we've just literally sat here and cried about stuff. one night she left me the sweetest note on my bed when I was out, she pretty much told me I had to be happy and keep smiling. After a stressful night it was a treat to come home to.

#2. I joined and online dating site, and have met some very interesting people. But I think I met someone pretty special. I just have to see what happens.

#3. New friends:

Cassy: mentioned her already!

Ria: someone I actually met years ago, she was my neighbor briefly when I lived on the farm but it was so long ago I completely forgot who she was. She's pretty great though, and I am really enjoying getting to know her.

Maegan: we met just about a month ago and she has been there for me, were not super close but I'm glad we met.

Joel: okay so we met online, but he's pretty great, we only text but its been fun getting to know him. I hope we meet soon.

Lucas: he saved me from a sticky situation one night when I had went to a bar with someone I thought was my friend who had very bad intentions, but Lucas saved the day by showing up, he stopped me from possibly getting very hurt. he has made me a little mad because sometimes he doesn't shut his mouth, and says some not so nice things. but he apologized and I forgive him.

Kody: he's quiet but he also seems to care, he looks out for us when he is around and its great.

Terry: she's so sweet I don't know her very well at all but she is someone I would like to get to know more.

Jaydan: he's like a little brother to me. I'm glad our paths crossed. I can't wait to get to encourage him that he can go far in life he just needs to set his mind to it.

Lonny: when I first met him I was like who is this guy and why is he in my house. Now were cool and he's like the biggest teddy bear ever. He's a great friend and I wish the best for him in life. He is like my Big Brother and he plays the role great.

Craig: he is one of the most interesting characters ever!

Jim: hahaha if Jim wasn't around life would be so boring here. He can make me laugh when I am in the worst of moods.

Brianna: a coworker that I actually get along with, working with her is so great we always have fun and keep each other company.

If I forgot anyone just thought I would say love you! sorry!

I love all these people so much and would do whatever I could do to make them happy.

#4. Work. I'm lucky I have been able to work at the place I had my first job two summers ago. It's one of my favourite places in the whole world and I have the best boss! If your ever in Long Point, Ontario, check out Bub's on the Beach!

#5. Love. ha my love life is non-existent Still single.

#6. I'm going to Cuba! enough said.

I love you guys for reading this!

When you just want to see their face

Have you ever just wanted to see someone? Even if it was just a glance across the room, just long enough to know their okay. 

Last night I was walking downtown with my best friend. We walked by a Tim Hortons. Outside was a bunch of guys I knew standing around a truck, but the person I really wanted to see this guy I miss wasn't there.

Later that night we were meeting my sister at the bank so she could walk home with me. And while waiting there two of the guys were walking by and stopped to talk to me. And again it was like all of a sudden I felt sad because I didn't see him. 

I found out that he actually was at the hospital :/ not good. He will be okay. I hope.

All I really want to do is just see him. Just to know he's okay and that we are still

Friends.

I'm angry

So I have to be really honest right now. I am angry. And yes I know it's not good to be angry. It's a little selfish to be honest. 

So you might ask why I'm angry and I don't mind telling you. You can judge me. But right now I don't care at all.

I'm angry because two months ago all I had to worry about was getting a stupid summer job to pay my rent and school next year. Easy right?! 

Well on one day that all changed! My dad died and all of a sudden I had a million more responsibilities. I'm taking care of my mom, trying to save my parents house, trying to find a job, pay my rent all while helping my mom financially. And on top of it, I totally got used by thins guy I thought I could trust.

So all in all I'm beyond stressed and completely overwhelmed. 

Games

Recently I have noticed something. Almost everything in our society is turned into a game. Want to lose weight? Lets see who can do it faster and better. Want to get good grades? Lets see who can get the best one. Want to get the girl? Lets see if we can sleep with her and mess with her emotions. Want your friends to support you? Oh wait if you don't make the decision they want you to they walk away. 

The thing is all these games are exhausting. They bring us down. They start to control our thinking. We start to have our emotions to up and down and then become so jumbled we don't know what to do.

I can't say that I have never been apart of these games because well in not perfect and I absolutely have. And sometimes I may start them. But recently I'm learning a lot about them and how stressing physically and emotionally they are. 

Today I made a choice:

Walk away.

things.

So what do I think right now, want the truth? I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I want to feel like a person again. I'm lost. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. In all honesty I'm an emotional roller coaster. I need some way to vent, to let it all out. And writing everything down makes me feel less lost and confused.

the number one thing on my mind: my dad. I am in denial. I wake up in the morning and just hope he's down stairs. I just want him back. I want him to be here. I don't think its fair that he was taken away from us so soon. I feel like there is so many things I need to tell him, and so many things we need to do together.  I wrote this in my phone one night:
Dad.
I miss you.
Those three words are something I didn't want to say for a very long time. I didn't even imagine I would have to say them for many more years. But the decision wasn't mine, nor was it yours. Your gone forever and each passing day there is not a moment I am not reminded of you. I wish you were still here because there is still so much you wanted to do. I wish you had got to see one of us get married, to witness such an act of commitment. I wish you would have got to see one of us walk across the stage and receive a diploma. I wish you would have got to walk me down the isle and give me away to the man who will become my husband. I wish you would get to meet the children I will hopefully be blessed with in the future. I wish you would have been able to travel to Scotland like you had always dreamed, you wanted to know where your family had come from. There is so many things you hadn't done because you always set your dreams aside for us, you tried to help us achieve our dreams.


the number two thing on my mind: a boy. ugh if only I could just tell him to his face. btw if your reading this you know who you are haha. at least you should. So about this boy, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel special, he annoys me, he makes me mad, but when it comes down to the end of the day I really like him. But the problem is, I think I like him too much. I don't know what he wants from "our relationship" not that were in one. but you should know what I mean. I want to know if its going anywhere. or should I let go now, before someone gets hurt, like me for instance.


the number three thing on my mind: best friends. right now I am really reevaluating what it means to be a best friend because right now I feel like I lost a lot of them.


the number four thing on my mind: my mom. she's so broken. she wants to be at my dad's side. she feels she has no reason to live. and that hurts. I really can't lose another person I love, I already lost my uncle, grandma and dad in the last three years, I don't want to lose anyone else.


There is so many other things on my mind but right now I don't even know how to put them onto paper.

me and the tragedy I faced.

Hi, I’m Tiffany. I’m 20 years old. I am a college student who’s not so sure what she’s supposed to do with her life. And this is the start of something new. I want to share the good, the bad and the in between.

So to start off I guess I should share my current situation. About two months ago I was writing my last final, packing and saying goodbye to my friends for the summer. I decided to move home for the summer, I would get to spend time with my mom and dad, and see the rest of my family a little more. Well that was the plan at least the part I had control of. But my plan changed on May 16^th 2013. Me and my friends had been planning a camping trip for the long weekend for months now. We were all excited. My parents offered to pay for some of the expenses, more specifically some of the food for the weekend. On the Wednesday before we had planned to go me and my dad talked, he was having a good day, he spent most of the day downtown, he visited his friends at the coffee shop, and he picked some things up from the store for the house. That night he came home and we talked about my issues with boys, he joked about me and my ex-boyfriend and the non-existent first date I had had. He told me that he wanted me to have a special first date and he said that because no guy had stepped up to the plate he would take me on a date the next day. It was sweet of him and I was excited, because I was going to spend the whole next day with my dad, it was a day just for us. We were going to go do the shopping for camping and then we were going to have dinner together. Then I was going to start handing out resumes. On Thursday morning I slept in because I had an upset stomach. I didn’t wake up to an alarm, I woke up to my mom yelling at me to come down the stairs, I was annoyed and frustrated that she wouldn’t leave me alone, I just wanted to sleep some more. I came down the stairs, and when I reached the bottom she yelled and said my dad wouldn’t wake up, I ran back up the stairs and called 911. I was talking to the operator and she told me what I had to I had to start giving my dad cpr. But when I got him onto his back it was already too late, I started doing CPR, but he had been gone for too long. The Paramedics arrived at about my 6^th compression. I ran as fast as I could, I didn’t know where I was going I just needed to run. I made it a few houses down and my mom’s best friend was on her porch, she ran down to see what was happening, what feels like hours later but in reality was like 2 minutes she came back and she shook her head at me because he was gone. My dad was gone, my best friend, my hero, gone. And now I don’t even know how to explain the pain, anger and loneliness I feel. And I don’t know how much more I can handle.