In a matter of minutes

On May 16th 2013 one of the worst things to ever possibly happen to me happened. My dad died, you may think it's something that happens to everyone but to me it was one of the things I dreaded most. My dad was more than a dad to me, he was a friend, hero, provider, protector, counsellor, guide and he was the one with the answers. There's days where I miss my dad a lot then there's days I don't even think about him. But that's not what this post is about, it's about the aftermath of his death. 

In a matter of minutes I was thrown more responsibilities than most 20-21year olds have. Bills, debt, financial responsibilities, making sure the mortgage gets paid, cleaning my moms house, being available for my mom 24/7 365 days a year, landlord, boss, leader, and so many other things.

Stress level is high, but everyday I keep going some days it gets too much, so much it makes me sick. People think Tiffany has it together, Tiffany can handle it, Tiffany doesn't have any dreams left, Tiffany can do it all, Tiffany lives to please us, Tiffany wants to live at home, Tiffany is perfect, Tiffany doesn't do anything wrong, Tiffany is the perfect Christian. 

Want to know something everything I just said there is a lie. I don't have it together, I can't handle it, I have dreams, I can't do it all, I can't please everyone but I try, I hate living at home and it's the last place I want to be, I'm not even close to perfect, I do things wrong every day, perfect Christian far from it, the way I've been living you wouldn't even know I was a Christian.

I'm admitting this because I'm to the point I don't care. I just want it to be over. I'm tired of people thinking in someone I'm not. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of bring responsible. 

I don't care who reads this or what they think of me. I'm gonna say some things that will make people judge me, but go for it. I'm done caring what these people think. 

#1. I had sex with my boyfriend and I don't regret it one bit.

#2. I haven't read my Bible in about 3 months.

#3. I'm angry.

#4. Praying has become so scarce in my life.

#5. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. 

#6. I don't want to go back to school.

#7. I have lost all desire to be a friend.

#8. I feel sick constantly.

#9. I hate eating.

#10. I get drunk and it makes me feel better.

#11. I cry and hide the pain I live through every day.

#12. Some days all I want to do is give up.

#13. I owe some people so much money I don't know how I'll ever repay it.

#14. I need an job but I don't know if I can even handle going to work and being in contact with people each day.

#15. I don't feel like doing anything anymore.

#16. The list goes on.

Guess I just had to get this off my chest.