things.

So what do I think right now, want the truth? I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I want to feel like a person again. I'm lost. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. In all honesty I'm an emotional roller coaster. I need some way to vent, to let it all out. And writing everything down makes me feel less lost and confused.

the number one thing on my mind: my dad. I am in denial. I wake up in the morning and just hope he's down stairs. I just want him back. I want him to be here. I don't think its fair that he was taken away from us so soon. I feel like there is so many things I need to tell him, and so many things we need to do together.  I wrote this in my phone one night:
Dad.
I miss you.
Those three words are something I didn't want to say for a very long time. I didn't even imagine I would have to say them for many more years. But the decision wasn't mine, nor was it yours. Your gone forever and each passing day there is not a moment I am not reminded of you. I wish you were still here because there is still so much you wanted to do. I wish you had got to see one of us get married, to witness such an act of commitment. I wish you would have got to see one of us walk across the stage and receive a diploma. I wish you would have got to walk me down the isle and give me away to the man who will become my husband. I wish you would get to meet the children I will hopefully be blessed with in the future. I wish you would have been able to travel to Scotland like you had always dreamed, you wanted to know where your family had come from. There is so many things you hadn't done because you always set your dreams aside for us, you tried to help us achieve our dreams.


the number two thing on my mind: a boy. ugh if only I could just tell him to his face. btw if your reading this you know who you are haha. at least you should. So about this boy, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel special, he annoys me, he makes me mad, but when it comes down to the end of the day I really like him. But the problem is, I think I like him too much. I don't know what he wants from "our relationship" not that were in one. but you should know what I mean. I want to know if its going anywhere. or should I let go now, before someone gets hurt, like me for instance.


the number three thing on my mind: best friends. right now I am really reevaluating what it means to be a best friend because right now I feel like I lost a lot of them.


the number four thing on my mind: my mom. she's so broken. she wants to be at my dad's side. she feels she has no reason to live. and that hurts. I really can't lose another person I love, I already lost my uncle, grandma and dad in the last three years, I don't want to lose anyone else.


There is so many other things on my mind but right now I don't even know how to put them onto paper.