Kids and their preciousness

This morning I get to spend time with my cousin little girl Emma. She's the sweetest. She loves the show Bubble Guppies. She is content watching them. She like to tell me random stuff like "I need to fart", or she asks random things like "did you wash your hands?". She is a little light to a tired me. And even though I am tired I am really enjoying spending time with her. 

Danny Lee

About 21 years ago I met this man, a wonderful man, a man who loved me the moment he set his eyes on me. This man was not just any man, he was a man I would love with all my heart, this man was my father. 

This man would be the man who wiped away my tears, take away my fears, and provide me with all I needed to be me. This man would give up things just to see me happy. This man would do just about anything for me. This man would never let me starve or go without a home. This man taught me things no other man could. This man would take me fishing and teach me how to drive. This man would be the man my future husband would get permission to make me his bride. This man would be called grandpa by my children. This man would walk me down the isle one day. This man would always bring a smile to my face. This man had a kind and loving heart. He loved those around him in ways I can't even express. This man died too soon. This man broke my heart. But no matter what I will live this man forever and ever until we meet again.

In a matter of minutes

On May 16th 2013 one of the worst things to ever possibly happen to me happened. My dad died, you may think it's something that happens to everyone but to me it was one of the things I dreaded most. My dad was more than a dad to me, he was a friend, hero, provider, protector, counsellor, guide and he was the one with the answers. There's days where I miss my dad a lot then there's days I don't even think about him. But that's not what this post is about, it's about the aftermath of his death. 

In a matter of minutes I was thrown more responsibilities than most 20-21year olds have. Bills, debt, financial responsibilities, making sure the mortgage gets paid, cleaning my moms house, being available for my mom 24/7 365 days a year, landlord, boss, leader, and so many other things.

Stress level is high, but everyday I keep going some days it gets too much, so much it makes me sick. People think Tiffany has it together, Tiffany can handle it, Tiffany doesn't have any dreams left, Tiffany can do it all, Tiffany lives to please us, Tiffany wants to live at home, Tiffany is perfect, Tiffany doesn't do anything wrong, Tiffany is the perfect Christian. 

Want to know something everything I just said there is a lie. I don't have it together, I can't handle it, I have dreams, I can't do it all, I can't please everyone but I try, I hate living at home and it's the last place I want to be, I'm not even close to perfect, I do things wrong every day, perfect Christian far from it, the way I've been living you wouldn't even know I was a Christian.

I'm admitting this because I'm to the point I don't care. I just want it to be over. I'm tired of people thinking in someone I'm not. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of bring responsible. 

I don't care who reads this or what they think of me. I'm gonna say some things that will make people judge me, but go for it. I'm done caring what these people think. 

#1. I had sex with my boyfriend and I don't regret it one bit.

#2. I haven't read my Bible in about 3 months.

#3. I'm angry.

#4. Praying has become so scarce in my life.

#5. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. 

#6. I don't want to go back to school.

#7. I have lost all desire to be a friend.

#8. I feel sick constantly.

#9. I hate eating.

#10. I get drunk and it makes me feel better.

#11. I cry and hide the pain I live through every day.

#12. Some days all I want to do is give up.

#13. I owe some people so much money I don't know how I'll ever repay it.

#14. I need an job but I don't know if I can even handle going to work and being in contact with people each day.

#15. I don't feel like doing anything anymore.

#16. The list goes on.

Guess I just had to get this off my chest.

A little rant

So yesterday was thanksgiving here in Canada!! One of my favourite holidays ever! Lots of yummy food and pie! 

So each year my family gets together at my parents house (now just my mothers) for a yummy turkey dinner. This year Jim one of our borders asked if he could make the turkey, I gladly handed to task over to him because it's the hardest of all the food, Melissa my sister in law helped me with all the vegetables, and I made the pie. 

Before people could come over I had to clean my kitchen, living room and dining room because it was a mess. It took me a few hours to get everything cleaned. Then I went right on to start cooking all the food. In all I spent 7 hours cleaning, prepping, preparing and serving. Then as I sat down to eat I was still working because the pies had to be baked and finished in order for us to have dessert. Everyone came down to eat the food, then as soon as it was time to get to work cleaning up everyone disappeared except for me and Melissa. So two hours after we ate dinner were still not done the cleaning. Then after we finished the majority if the dishes and put all the food away we decided we were finished our part of the task. 

This morning I woke up and figured hey I'll have some leftover then get some stuff I have to do done. Well that ceased to happen because as soon as I got up I realized no one had touched the clean dishes let alone start washing the other ones. So again today I've spent two hours cleaning my house, which isn't even close to being done.

I guess the frustrating thing is that I live 5 adults older than 30. And I only ever get help from one of them. I'm starting to get overwhelmed with stress because I'm doing way more than I should be all on too if looking for a job, spending time with friends and my boyfriend and sleeping which has become so little that it's making me sick and even more stressed.

the big 21

So tomorrow is my 21st birthday. It feels like Ive had a lot of birthdays over the years, so its not like its super exciting or anything. But it is a little awesome cause its a pretty big birthday to be celebrating. But in reality tomorrow will be a little bittersweet, someone very special wont be here to celebrate with me. My dad died from a massive heart attack in May. Since I left for college he usually calls me and says happy birthday, and that has always been enough. This year  I will miss that call greatly, I will also miss him smashing cake into my face. A family tradition, which one day will be done to each of my kids for as long as they celebrate their birthdays with me.

On a happier note I am pretty lucky this year I get to spend my birthday with some pretty special people, in the morning I am helping out with a fundraising yard sale at 666 Gibralter Street in Delhi, Ontario. Which at I will get to spend time with 4 of my nieces. If your in the area you should Check it out!, all the proceeds are going to pay for a Cranial Reshaping helmet for my 7 month old niece. Come out and support a great cause, there will be a variety of stuff for sale and some yummy cupcakes for 25 cents. And if you don't live in the area and are willing to donate even just a dollar to the cause, donations can be made at BMO bank, the account information is Transit # 23182 Institute # 001 Account #8991054, if you want more information check out this facebook page https://www.facebook.com/groups/199061500271207/ . At dinner my grandpa is taking me and my aunt out for dinner for our birthday! Then in the evening I am going to spend some time with my friends and boyfriend.

Well happy Birthday to all the others who share the 5th of October as a birthday.

:)

21

In exactly one week I turn 21. And I guess the reality just hit me. It's going to be the most bittersweet birthday I have ever had. The most amazing man I have ever had in my life won't be here to celebrate with me. My dad woulda been the first to stuff a slice if cake in my face and try to give me 21 spankings. Celebrating my birthday just won't be the same without him. 

The Bible. Which translation/version do you read?

Have you ever felt that you are being attacked by someone, and that its not physical or emotional, but that its Spiritually. Okay, I have one question that may start the biggest debate between Christians everywhere, but its something that has been on my heart for a few days and its getting really hard to just brush the subject off. What version of the Bible do you read? okay so since I was in highschool, which is when I was first consciously introduced to Christ, I received a Bible from my mother, who I might add is not a Christian, she bought me a chicken soup for the soul Bible, which happened to be the NLT. This is the version I read for a few years before I accepted Christ, this is the version I read when I accepted Christ, and this is the version I read to this day. So is this version wrong? is it a lie? does it deceive us? does it change the truth some how?

The way I see it is that I understand it, and God speaks to me through the words written there. I actually want to know what people think. Because this is actually causing me to stumble, because one person who is close to me keeps telling me that I am wrong for reading it.