HEY!!!

Blogging from my new Macbook Pro here. Okay I had to share that because it is like so unbelievable that I even have a Macbook Pro, thanks for insurance covering the cost of my old computer that was destroyed.

SO what's new!

so so so so much!!

So meet Grant :) he's my boyfriend. Yep, some may say "wait you just went through a horrible break up" but I say "were you expecting me to sit around and be depressed over some guy who wasn't right for me for forever or something?". Yes I was sad that me and Rick broke up, and it hurt. But Grant is something new, and well I love him, if you have doubts about that please keep them to yourself, because frankly I have the "its my life and I am going to do what I want" attitude right now. I am learning to be a positive person and look at things more positively from now on.

A little bit about Grant :)

He's 23 but turning 24 next week :) He works as a mechanic, and he is hoping to get into an apprenticeship so he can get his mechanics license, he like purple! He has goals he want's to achieve and he want's a future with one person and doesn't want to waste time searching because he thinks he has found the one :) which is great because I have the same opinion.

So what's next?:

I'm moving! this is like so exciting! I am moving to Tillsonburg, Ontario!!!! it's not far from where I live now but it's going to bring some great opportunities my way!!! I am hoping to sign a lease for an apartment with my friend Lonny, by the middle of February so that we can move March 1st and start a new life somewhere new. I will miss some things about Simcoe but then I will also be so happy to be out of there, and start somewhere fresh!!!!

So the last thing is! what do you get someone for their birthday who is happy with what they already have and just want to be with you for the day?


T.

Scotland, Friends, Power to Change and the awesome God I know.

To think on this day last year I was support raising for one of the biggest adventures I would ever go on in my life, I was praying that I would get to go to the United Kingdom, and that all the support would come in, I was nervous and not sure what would happen next. But God knew what his plan was. And I got on a plane to the UK on spring break!!!! AHHHHH!!!! it's hard to believe that its been a year since I travelled to Glasgow, Scotland, and spent 10 Days with other students from Canada sharing the Gospel with students on the Campuses there. It was an amazing experience and it was learning experience too. I got to meet new people, and make some great friends, some at which who helped me get through some pretty tough times throughout the last year. I met some of the greatest people on this project and some of them will forever have an impact on me. I'm thankful for their friendship, even if its not a close one.

Tonight I was reminded by someone who I will leave nameless, about how much my life has changed, and that even though I am not where I used to be, that I left something far greater. I left what some may call a spark, a little spark that if it continues to grow as I have already seen it grow it will burst and the things that will come from it are great, I can't take the credit because it had nothing to do with me but everything to do with God.  If it wasn't for God speaking to Arden and myself at Winter Conference (in December 2011), we may not of taken the leap of faith it took to go out of our comfort zones and talk to complete strangers, classmates and friends about God, and how amazing he is. If it wasn't for the encouragement and lessons that many Power to Change staff gave us we wouldn't of had any idea where to start. I'm thankful for the staff that have been there to encourage students like Arden and Myself, and so many others to take a leap of faith and build relationships, ask the tough questions and share the Gospel. I remember being terrified the first day we decided to go out on campus, and I remember having to pray that God would give me the courage to talk to someone even if it was a complete failure, but once we did it once it was like it got easier, and easier. And eventually I didn't even have to think about it, it was just natural, obviously God had a big part in that and I am very grateful about that because it was those days out on campus that I felt like I had a purpose, right now I seem disconnected and I sometimes wonder what my purpose is but I know if I am patient God will show me once again.

There is one thing I am sure of though God is doing something in the hearts of students all over the world. And if your reading this I think you should check out Power to Change Students!

When I got back from Scotland, I created a playlist of some of the song's we sang in the mornings before we headed out to the campuses and I think you should check it out. They were encouraging then and still encouraging now.  You can find it here:

http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLxtQ5vJCtbAfO-ze4tfmUkn1DSUJON0du


Tiff.

sometimes

have you ever been to the point where you don't know how to go forward, you don't know where your life is supposed to go. that's where I am. Everything just seems to go the opposite to what it should. I know you might think I'm exaggerating and that I'm just complaining, but really I feel like no matter how hard I try everything just keeps falling apart. For instance, this past spring I moved home to reconnect with my parents because a big distance had formed between us since I graduated high school and moved away for college. I moved home and within a month my dad died, he was one of the most important people in my life, and he died. This past 7 months has been so hard, I have been used, abused, and manipulated by the people I thought cared about me. I have fallen into this spot where I don't find joy in anything anymore, even the simple things that made me smile even in the worst of moods. I have become a completely negative person, and well it 'help when bad things keep happening to me. Like what did I do to deserve this. Okay so I know some of the people are going to comment in my inbox telling me remember Job and all the things he faced, and in the end it turned out the way it was supposed to, or that I should remember Jeremiah 29:11. but I honestly am having such a hard time looking to God right now. I know he's there and that he cares but I have a hard time accepting that m facing all these trials, it feels like i'm being attacked and its too overwhelming. The most recent things that are making me slowly go crazy are:

1. my computer got ruined because someone who wasn't even supposed to be in my bed knocked it onto the cement floor. and the worst thing is they denied it, but I know it was them because I left it on my bed and I went away for a night came home and it was on the cement floor upside down behind my bed, and they admitted to sleeping in my bed. I might sound materialistic, but I have very few things that are mine, and when you work hard for something, and like me bought it myself its a little frustrating when someone ruins it on you and you can't even get ir replaced cause you don't have the finances to and the person wont step up and take responsibility for what they did and replace it.

2. my old cell phone wasn't working right so I wanted to upgrade to a new one, I went and got the new one and had to buy out my contract for $700. Someone asked me if they could buy my old phone because they didnt really care about the fact it wasn't working cause they just needed it for texting and calling anyway. They were going to give me $200 so that I could pay  a little off of my bill, then when they came to pick it up I told them it was on my computer desk and they claimed they couldn't find it, when I went to look for it it was gone, someone stole it. So I lost out once again.

3. my dad died. simple as that.

4. my boyfriend decided that he doesn't have "feelings" for me and that he wants to take some time apart and that will maybe help him regain his feelings for me. It kind of makes me feel pretty damn crappy cause well he was my first time (I wish I would of saved it for marriage, big mistake on my part). He once wrote me this letter:

To the most beautiful woman inside and out you make me feel a way no other can make me feel. There's just no one I would rather be with on this earth you make me smile :) you make my heart beat <3 so fast, seeing you sometimes brings tears :') to my eyes the happiest tears I will ever have. Im always glad to wake up to your smiling face and to kiss your soft lips. When I first met you I never had a feeling of knowing such a kind beautiful soul a sense I have never had before. All I knew was I had to have you. Today I am so glad to have you and I just know what we have will last, there might be bumps along the way but as long as we stick together we can get through anything. Your a very special girl and I want to remind you of that everyday as I write, all I can think of is seeing you and your amazing eyes that light up my day the smile that makes me feel warm inside. I cant wait to hold you feel you, love you. Tonight I want to show you (Tiffany) that I love you with all my heart.


I sent this to him today as a reminder of our commitment to each other and that we should both be fighting for what we have. Also I don't think relationships are solely based on feelings.  There is a lot more to them (I had to be reminded of this recently by some people, one of them being Stephanie which if she's reading this I thank her.). I thought this was a good thing but right now it doesn't feel like it.

Okay so I really truly love this guy and I think there is a future for us but with all of this I just don't know what to do, because my family and friends dislike him and very corner I turn people are telling me things like "I think he cheated on you", "he played you", "he never loved you", and "I just want to hit him" oh wait the worst one I've heard "its okay it will work out he'll be back, he loves you.". I'm tired of the negative, I know it is hard to be positive about a situation like this but ya could be a little more supportive people like come on.

5. I am noticing a trend in the relationships I have with people, so many people are your friend when its convenient for them or when the want or need something. but when you truly need them their nowhere to be found. Come on I thought friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what.

6. My health isn't the best. I have finally admitted this to myself. I need to figure out what's wrong and find a solution or I could become very ill, and whatever it is doing to my body could become irreversible if it hasn't already.

7. My mom had moved on. yep 7 Months. it seems so fast. and well she has become literally obsessed with doing whatever she can for this guy and she's began to forget the things she should be caring about.

8. People have come back into my life and sometimes I am so scared that they are going to walk away once again because the way I have become to see it is that "people always leave" - Peyton (One Tree Hill)

9. Sleepless nights. I have had more sleepless nights in the last seven months than I can count. and well I think the stress of not sleeping is getting to me big time.

10. I walked away from something that could of potentially been a really good thing and I am really starting to regret it.


well since I need to here I will sign off now. but I can say expect more because I have lots more to rant about and get off my chest. bye for now.

-tiff

What happens next?

So yesterday on of the most heartbreaking things happened to me. Someone who I thought I had a future with told me he didn't know if he "liked" me anymore. It's been 3 and a half months since we started dating. And now it's like all of that was a waste. 

All if this is making me crazy, sitting here waiting for him to tell me whether he wants this relationship to end or not is slowly killing me, im hurting and the things is every moment I wait my heart breaks skittle more. He says he needs time time to think this all through, but me I'm scared I'm scared this is goodbye. I love this person so so much. And when  he said those words to me yesterday I felt like a whole part of me shattered into a million little pieces. In the last 7 months I have faced a lot of pain, and heartbreak and this I thought we were a good thing the shining star in a whole lot of dark. I feel like I invested so much into this and that if he decides he wants to walk away that all of this was a waste. 

I hope it wasn't a waste because I am truly and deeply in love with this guy. He has become such an important part of my life. He has taught me things no one else could have. He taught me that broken hearts can be mended and that love is so important. 

He told me that I am a sweet girl. But is that enough.

Kids and their preciousness

This morning I get to spend time with my cousin little girl Emma. She's the sweetest. She loves the show Bubble Guppies. She is content watching them. She like to tell me random stuff like "I need to fart", or she asks random things like "did you wash your hands?". She is a little light to a tired me. And even though I am tired I am really enjoying spending time with her. 

Danny Lee

About 21 years ago I met this man, a wonderful man, a man who loved me the moment he set his eyes on me. This man was not just any man, he was a man I would love with all my heart, this man was my father. 

This man would be the man who wiped away my tears, take away my fears, and provide me with all I needed to be me. This man would give up things just to see me happy. This man would do just about anything for me. This man would never let me starve or go without a home. This man taught me things no other man could. This man would take me fishing and teach me how to drive. This man would be the man my future husband would get permission to make me his bride. This man would be called grandpa by my children. This man would walk me down the isle one day. This man would always bring a smile to my face. This man had a kind and loving heart. He loved those around him in ways I can't even express. This man died too soon. This man broke my heart. But no matter what I will live this man forever and ever until we meet again.

In a matter of minutes

On May 16th 2013 one of the worst things to ever possibly happen to me happened. My dad died, you may think it's something that happens to everyone but to me it was one of the things I dreaded most. My dad was more than a dad to me, he was a friend, hero, provider, protector, counsellor, guide and he was the one with the answers. There's days where I miss my dad a lot then there's days I don't even think about him. But that's not what this post is about, it's about the aftermath of his death. 

In a matter of minutes I was thrown more responsibilities than most 20-21year olds have. Bills, debt, financial responsibilities, making sure the mortgage gets paid, cleaning my moms house, being available for my mom 24/7 365 days a year, landlord, boss, leader, and so many other things.

Stress level is high, but everyday I keep going some days it gets too much, so much it makes me sick. People think Tiffany has it together, Tiffany can handle it, Tiffany doesn't have any dreams left, Tiffany can do it all, Tiffany lives to please us, Tiffany wants to live at home, Tiffany is perfect, Tiffany doesn't do anything wrong, Tiffany is the perfect Christian. 

Want to know something everything I just said there is a lie. I don't have it together, I can't handle it, I have dreams, I can't do it all, I can't please everyone but I try, I hate living at home and it's the last place I want to be, I'm not even close to perfect, I do things wrong every day, perfect Christian far from it, the way I've been living you wouldn't even know I was a Christian.

I'm admitting this because I'm to the point I don't care. I just want it to be over. I'm tired of people thinking in someone I'm not. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of bring responsible. 

I don't care who reads this or what they think of me. I'm gonna say some things that will make people judge me, but go for it. I'm done caring what these people think. 

#1. I had sex with my boyfriend and I don't regret it one bit.

#2. I haven't read my Bible in about 3 months.

#3. I'm angry.

#4. Praying has become so scarce in my life.

#5. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. 

#6. I don't want to go back to school.

#7. I have lost all desire to be a friend.

#8. I feel sick constantly.

#9. I hate eating.

#10. I get drunk and it makes me feel better.

#11. I cry and hide the pain I live through every day.

#12. Some days all I want to do is give up.

#13. I owe some people so much money I don't know how I'll ever repay it.

#14. I need an job but I don't know if I can even handle going to work and being in contact with people each day.

#15. I don't feel like doing anything anymore.

#16. The list goes on.

Guess I just had to get this off my chest.