I'm angry

So I have to be really honest right now. I am angry. And yes I know it's not good to be angry. It's a little selfish to be honest. 

So you might ask why I'm angry and I don't mind telling you. You can judge me. But right now I don't care at all.

I'm angry because two months ago all I had to worry about was getting a stupid summer job to pay my rent and school next year. Easy right?! 

Well on one day that all changed! My dad died and all of a sudden I had a million more responsibilities. I'm taking care of my mom, trying to save my parents house, trying to find a job, pay my rent all while helping my mom financially. And on top of it, I totally got used by thins guy I thought I could trust.

So all in all I'm beyond stressed and completely overwhelmed. 

Games

Recently I have noticed something. Almost everything in our society is turned into a game. Want to lose weight? Lets see who can do it faster and better. Want to get good grades? Lets see who can get the best one. Want to get the girl? Lets see if we can sleep with her and mess with her emotions. Want your friends to support you? Oh wait if you don't make the decision they want you to they walk away. 

The thing is all these games are exhausting. They bring us down. They start to control our thinking. We start to have our emotions to up and down and then become so jumbled we don't know what to do.

I can't say that I have never been apart of these games because well in not perfect and I absolutely have. And sometimes I may start them. But recently I'm learning a lot about them and how stressing physically and emotionally they are. 

Today I made a choice:

Walk away.

things.

So what do I think right now, want the truth? I'm tired. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I want to feel like a person again. I'm lost. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. In all honesty I'm an emotional roller coaster. I need some way to vent, to let it all out. And writing everything down makes me feel less lost and confused.

the number one thing on my mind: my dad. I am in denial. I wake up in the morning and just hope he's down stairs. I just want him back. I want him to be here. I don't think its fair that he was taken away from us so soon. I feel like there is so many things I need to tell him, and so many things we need to do together.  I wrote this in my phone one night:
Dad.
I miss you.
Those three words are something I didn't want to say for a very long time. I didn't even imagine I would have to say them for many more years. But the decision wasn't mine, nor was it yours. Your gone forever and each passing day there is not a moment I am not reminded of you. I wish you were still here because there is still so much you wanted to do. I wish you had got to see one of us get married, to witness such an act of commitment. I wish you would have got to see one of us walk across the stage and receive a diploma. I wish you would have got to walk me down the isle and give me away to the man who will become my husband. I wish you would get to meet the children I will hopefully be blessed with in the future. I wish you would have been able to travel to Scotland like you had always dreamed, you wanted to know where your family had come from. There is so many things you hadn't done because you always set your dreams aside for us, you tried to help us achieve our dreams.


the number two thing on my mind: a boy. ugh if only I could just tell him to his face. btw if your reading this you know who you are haha. at least you should. So about this boy, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel special, he annoys me, he makes me mad, but when it comes down to the end of the day I really like him. But the problem is, I think I like him too much. I don't know what he wants from "our relationship" not that were in one. but you should know what I mean. I want to know if its going anywhere. or should I let go now, before someone gets hurt, like me for instance.


the number three thing on my mind: best friends. right now I am really reevaluating what it means to be a best friend because right now I feel like I lost a lot of them.


the number four thing on my mind: my mom. she's so broken. she wants to be at my dad's side. she feels she has no reason to live. and that hurts. I really can't lose another person I love, I already lost my uncle, grandma and dad in the last three years, I don't want to lose anyone else.


There is so many other things on my mind but right now I don't even know how to put them onto paper.

me and the tragedy I faced.

Hi, I’m Tiffany. I’m 20 years old. I am a college student who’s not so sure what she’s supposed to do with her life. And this is the start of something new. I want to share the good, the bad and the in between.

So to start off I guess I should share my current situation. About two months ago I was writing my last final, packing and saying goodbye to my friends for the summer. I decided to move home for the summer, I would get to spend time with my mom and dad, and see the rest of my family a little more. Well that was the plan at least the part I had control of. But my plan changed on May 16^th 2013. Me and my friends had been planning a camping trip for the long weekend for months now. We were all excited. My parents offered to pay for some of the expenses, more specifically some of the food for the weekend. On the Wednesday before we had planned to go me and my dad talked, he was having a good day, he spent most of the day downtown, he visited his friends at the coffee shop, and he picked some things up from the store for the house. That night he came home and we talked about my issues with boys, he joked about me and my ex-boyfriend and the non-existent first date I had had. He told me that he wanted me to have a special first date and he said that because no guy had stepped up to the plate he would take me on a date the next day. It was sweet of him and I was excited, because I was going to spend the whole next day with my dad, it was a day just for us. We were going to go do the shopping for camping and then we were going to have dinner together. Then I was going to start handing out resumes. On Thursday morning I slept in because I had an upset stomach. I didn’t wake up to an alarm, I woke up to my mom yelling at me to come down the stairs, I was annoyed and frustrated that she wouldn’t leave me alone, I just wanted to sleep some more. I came down the stairs, and when I reached the bottom she yelled and said my dad wouldn’t wake up, I ran back up the stairs and called 911. I was talking to the operator and she told me what I had to I had to start giving my dad cpr. But when I got him onto his back it was already too late, I started doing CPR, but he had been gone for too long. The Paramedics arrived at about my 6^th compression. I ran as fast as I could, I didn’t know where I was going I just needed to run. I made it a few houses down and my mom’s best friend was on her porch, she ran down to see what was happening, what feels like hours later but in reality was like 2 minutes she came back and she shook her head at me because he was gone. My dad was gone, my best friend, my hero, gone. And now I don’t even know how to explain the pain, anger and loneliness I feel. And I don’t know how much more I can handle.