sometimes

have you ever been to the point where you don't know how to go forward, you don't know where your life is supposed to go. that's where I am. Everything just seems to go the opposite to what it should. I know you might think I'm exaggerating and that I'm just complaining, but really I feel like no matter how hard I try everything just keeps falling apart. For instance, this past spring I moved home to reconnect with my parents because a big distance had formed between us since I graduated high school and moved away for college. I moved home and within a month my dad died, he was one of the most important people in my life, and he died. This past 7 months has been so hard, I have been used, abused, and manipulated by the people I thought cared about me. I have fallen into this spot where I don't find joy in anything anymore, even the simple things that made me smile even in the worst of moods. I have become a completely negative person, and well it 'help when bad things keep happening to me. Like what did I do to deserve this. Okay so I know some of the people are going to comment in my inbox telling me remember Job and all the things he faced, and in the end it turned out the way it was supposed to, or that I should remember Jeremiah 29:11. but I honestly am having such a hard time looking to God right now. I know he's there and that he cares but I have a hard time accepting that m facing all these trials, it feels like i'm being attacked and its too overwhelming. The most recent things that are making me slowly go crazy are:

1. my computer got ruined because someone who wasn't even supposed to be in my bed knocked it onto the cement floor. and the worst thing is they denied it, but I know it was them because I left it on my bed and I went away for a night came home and it was on the cement floor upside down behind my bed, and they admitted to sleeping in my bed. I might sound materialistic, but I have very few things that are mine, and when you work hard for something, and like me bought it myself its a little frustrating when someone ruins it on you and you can't even get ir replaced cause you don't have the finances to and the person wont step up and take responsibility for what they did and replace it.

2. my old cell phone wasn't working right so I wanted to upgrade to a new one, I went and got the new one and had to buy out my contract for $700. Someone asked me if they could buy my old phone because they didnt really care about the fact it wasn't working cause they just needed it for texting and calling anyway. They were going to give me $200 so that I could pay  a little off of my bill, then when they came to pick it up I told them it was on my computer desk and they claimed they couldn't find it, when I went to look for it it was gone, someone stole it. So I lost out once again.

3. my dad died. simple as that.

4. my boyfriend decided that he doesn't have "feelings" for me and that he wants to take some time apart and that will maybe help him regain his feelings for me. It kind of makes me feel pretty damn crappy cause well he was my first time (I wish I would of saved it for marriage, big mistake on my part). He once wrote me this letter:

To the most beautiful woman inside and out you make me feel a way no other can make me feel. There's just no one I would rather be with on this earth you make me smile :) you make my heart beat <3 so fast, seeing you sometimes brings tears :') to my eyes the happiest tears I will ever have. Im always glad to wake up to your smiling face and to kiss your soft lips. When I first met you I never had a feeling of knowing such a kind beautiful soul a sense I have never had before. All I knew was I had to have you. Today I am so glad to have you and I just know what we have will last, there might be bumps along the way but as long as we stick together we can get through anything. Your a very special girl and I want to remind you of that everyday as I write, all I can think of is seeing you and your amazing eyes that light up my day the smile that makes me feel warm inside. I cant wait to hold you feel you, love you. Tonight I want to show you (Tiffany) that I love you with all my heart.


I sent this to him today as a reminder of our commitment to each other and that we should both be fighting for what we have. Also I don't think relationships are solely based on feelings.  There is a lot more to them (I had to be reminded of this recently by some people, one of them being Stephanie which if she's reading this I thank her.). I thought this was a good thing but right now it doesn't feel like it.

Okay so I really truly love this guy and I think there is a future for us but with all of this I just don't know what to do, because my family and friends dislike him and very corner I turn people are telling me things like "I think he cheated on you", "he played you", "he never loved you", and "I just want to hit him" oh wait the worst one I've heard "its okay it will work out he'll be back, he loves you.". I'm tired of the negative, I know it is hard to be positive about a situation like this but ya could be a little more supportive people like come on.

5. I am noticing a trend in the relationships I have with people, so many people are your friend when its convenient for them or when the want or need something. but when you truly need them their nowhere to be found. Come on I thought friends are supposed to be there for you no matter what.

6. My health isn't the best. I have finally admitted this to myself. I need to figure out what's wrong and find a solution or I could become very ill, and whatever it is doing to my body could become irreversible if it hasn't already.

7. My mom had moved on. yep 7 Months. it seems so fast. and well she has become literally obsessed with doing whatever she can for this guy and she's began to forget the things she should be caring about.

8. People have come back into my life and sometimes I am so scared that they are going to walk away once again because the way I have become to see it is that "people always leave" - Peyton (One Tree Hill)

9. Sleepless nights. I have had more sleepless nights in the last seven months than I can count. and well I think the stress of not sleeping is getting to me big time.

10. I walked away from something that could of potentially been a really good thing and I am really starting to regret it.


well since I need to here I will sign off now. but I can say expect more because I have lots more to rant about and get off my chest. bye for now.

-tiff

What happens next?

So yesterday on of the most heartbreaking things happened to me. Someone who I thought I had a future with told me he didn't know if he "liked" me anymore. It's been 3 and a half months since we started dating. And now it's like all of that was a waste. 

All if this is making me crazy, sitting here waiting for him to tell me whether he wants this relationship to end or not is slowly killing me, im hurting and the things is every moment I wait my heart breaks skittle more. He says he needs time time to think this all through, but me I'm scared I'm scared this is goodbye. I love this person so so much. And when  he said those words to me yesterday I felt like a whole part of me shattered into a million little pieces. In the last 7 months I have faced a lot of pain, and heartbreak and this I thought we were a good thing the shining star in a whole lot of dark. I feel like I invested so much into this and that if he decides he wants to walk away that all of this was a waste. 

I hope it wasn't a waste because I am truly and deeply in love with this guy. He has become such an important part of my life. He has taught me things no one else could have. He taught me that broken hearts can be mended and that love is so important. 

He told me that I am a sweet girl. But is that enough.